Escape

Around this same time every year, I start to get this feeling that I'm suffocating.

I feel trapped by what seems like a ton of obligations, responsibilities, and things that need to be done before I can escape. I've come to the conclusion that a lot of these are imaginary. However, this doesn't make their presence and the effects they're having on my life any less real.

I sit in front of a computer for hours at a time at my job. With nothing else to do and internet access at my fingertips, I look at pictures of Seattle and Washington state and dream of the day when I'll be living there. I think of how nice it will be to live in a city, to be able to walk to the places I need to go, or have access to public transportation when it's needed. To actually have access to cultural events and music and art on a regular basis without having to drive for a minimum of 2 hours...

I think about all of the possibilities that Seattle holds. I could end up furthering my education in the Social Psychology PhD program at the University of Washington (if they'll accept me) or getting a job that will actually allow me to utilize my master's degree that I will have earned here. And even if I can't find a suitable psychology job, there are job openings all over the place in veterinary healthcare, an area with which I am VERY familiar as I worked in a veterinary clinic for many years as a youngster and a teenager.

I think about how incredibly few possibilities Arkansas has to offer me... and I wonder for the millionth time that hour why I am still here.

I look at listings of available houses for rent, checking daily for new additions for reasons I have yet to comprehend seeing as how I am nowhere near ready to start looking for another place to live yet. I still have to worry about paying next month's rent on the Dover house... and the month after that... and the month after that....

I look at the beaches of Washington's Olympic Peninsula and long for the day when I can make a trip on the weekend to walk where the water meets the land and camp on the cliffs where I will be able to fall asleep to the sound of honest to God Pacific Ocean waves. Gulf of Mexico waves are one thing, but in my mind, they lack the power and severe beauty that the Pacific possesses.

I search the most obscure parts of the internet for cheap travel options in the hopes that I might be able to get back up there before next summer. It's so difficult for me to go so long without that feeling I get when I'm in Washington. The feeling that I'm free to be me... free to breathe... free to enjoy my life and finally relax into what it is that I'm supposed to be doing. A feeling of hope that I can't seem to summon while sitting here in Russellville...

Every night, I go to sleep making plans in my head. Plans that I pray will actually come to pass.

I miss Seattle so very much. I think it somehow kept some essential part of my being that I'll never be able to fully reclaim, some part of me that will remain there always, regardless of any future places in which I may find myself.

I wish I had the nerve to just lay it all down here, walk away from this bullshit degree and this bullshit school... pack my things and just get in my car and go. Fuck the money. I could make some when I get there. Fuck the timing. You only live once. I should be using the little time I have to do things that actually MEAN something to me instead of wasting it here, working toward a degree I'm only getting because I've been told master's degree = job security, something else I've been told I'm supposed to care about. I should have applied to the PhD program at the U of W last year, but no... I had to play it safe because that was the responsible thing to do: stay here, get a "well-rounded" experience in the field of psychology so I could better determine where I belong. It hasn't helped at all. If anything, it's only confused me further and made me realize that I'm going to have to make my own niche, regardless of the field of psychology I choose. Even though education has always been terribly important to me and a PhD has always been a goal I've set for myself and something that I truly wish to obtain, the longer I stay here, the more I realize that there are so many other things in life that mean so much more to me... things that I haven't pursued up to this point because education and the responsibilities and obligations associated with it have kept me anchored to one spot.

I'm so tired of it. So incredibly exhausted... but I lack what it takes to be wild and fancy free and let go of all of these cares. No matter how hard I try, I can't seem to be that person.

In a few months, I will be 24 years old... and I will begin my last year of calling Arkansas my home. My last year of trying to find ways to occupy my mind and kill time until I can graduate... again. My last year of trying to figure out ways to get out of here. My last year of counting days and falling asleep to the memories and images of the Northwest that are so frequently my main source of comfort.

My 25th year on this earth will be the beginning of something completely different. Something amazing. Something worthwhile. Something real.

Snow

I went to a restaurant earlier to meet some friends for dinner. None of them showed until thirty minutes later and I had to leave. During that time, I just sat and ate my burger and watched the snow through the window. I don't know what it is about falling snow that makes me feel that the world is full of so much sad beauty. The kind of beauty that when you actually stop and take notice of it, it leaves you feeling as though the only proper thing to do is cry because there's really no other way to express it. The only downside to this is that not everything IS beautiful... including people. So most of the rest of my evening has been spent feeling slightly annoyed and frustrated with the individuals that I feel will never reach beyond the petty things of their every day lives. Listening to them go on and on about the wrongs they feel have been dealt them, even though most of these so-called faults against them exist only in rumor and nothing more... or having a tall, skinny blonde tell me how challenging her weight watchers program is... or having someone fish for a way to compliment me and, in the process, semi-insult me instead... these things just make the world seem so much more discontent and due to my mood, just made me wish for nothing more than to not be around anyone who doesn't truly understand me. I just want to sit in peace and watch the snow fall and think about my brothers having snowball fights in the field at home... or about how we all used to sit on the love seat near the wood stove at home and just talk or read, enjoying the heat that chased away the chill... or about snuggling close to a guy I care deeply about (in one way or another) under a big, warm quilt and listening to the rain fall outside the window while we talk. I miss such things so much... because, to me, they are some of the best things life has to offer, even if they are terribly simple. I miss physical closeness... just holding another person's hand or being able to place my ear to a chest within which a heart beats soothingly. So much peace and comfort can be derived from just being near another human being who wants to be there too and understands a need for closeness.


I miss my brothers. Especially my baby brother. I just want to hug him and take a drive with him and talk for hours with him. I want him to know I'm there and that he can tell me anything and that no matter what, it will always be alright in the end. I want to tell him how much I love him and how thankful I am that he's in my life and how much more beauty there is in the world because he's here.

I want to get in my car and drive with my favorite music blasting full volume to guarantee that I lose my hearing at a young age. I want to drive until I reach the point where the Pacific Ocean touches the beautiful black beaches of Washington. Then I'd sit and watch and listen and smell and be happy.

Long night. What can I say....

Have to leave soon. Wonder if it's still snowing.... I hope so.

Peace.

I Don't See What Anyone Can See in Anyone Else.... But You

I will never understand what it is that gives me such joy to be a part of the gay and lesbian community. I suppose it is the acceptance I have received... and the only way I have gained this is by being accepting myself. So many times, I look at my life and become frantic as I scramble for some sort of meaning to anchor me to my place. It's as if there's no hope for anything that could ever give me peace. I feel as if I have no purpose, like my goals are pointless, that nothing I could ever do will matter in any way. In these times, it is always my wonderful friends who remind me of why, in my opinion, I am here. They instill in me a sense of pride and hope for a better tomorrow. They face adversity every day of their lives for simply being who they are, yet they still thrive. They find direction... they find inspiration... they find happiness... they find each other. And I feel that because I have found them and CONTINUE to find them, I will always have a home to come back to. I will always have a community to call my own. I will always have people to lean on and people who trust me enough to lean on me and need me at times. Even if this is all I ever accomplish in my life, I still feel it will have been important and worthwhile.

Many refer to girls like me as Fag Hags. I don't mind this name and I shoulder the title's implications with honor. I don't consider it a burden. However, I honestly don't know what it is that draws these men to me.... or what it is that makes me unable to pull any men of the heterosexual persuasion my way. It gets lonely, being surrounded by men that you know you could fall in love with but will never be able to have... so there's no point. It gets frustrating, looking at particular individuals and having to force the sudden, unwanted and completely unwise attraction deep into the darkest parts of the mind, slam the door shut, lock it, and throw away the key. You do it long enough, though, and it becomes a necessary process that, for the most part, desensitizes one to the emotional responses generally associated with such things. The empty feeling created by loneliness never goes away. It just gets easier to ignore and only presents itself on rare occasions. I would never trade who I am. It means too much to me that I am what I am to these young men and to this community. The pros always seem to outweigh the cons in the end.

So much on my mind the past week or so. So many thoughts I am trying to organize. Plans I am trying to make. People I am dying to learn more about. This last weekend has put me in a very reflective sort of mood. I wish I could keep this sort of perspective all the time... one where I feel as though I can see more of the big picture and am willing to examine ALL thoughts, not just the ones that are the most accessible.

Anyway... that's all for now I suppose. Two posts in one day.... I think that's probably more than enough : )

Peace.

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And now... a song.

"Anyone Else But You" (Selected Verses) by the Moldy Peaches

You're a part time lover and a full time friend
The monkey on you're back is the latest trend
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

I kiss you on the brain in the shadow of a train
I kiss you all starry eyed, my body's swinging from side to side
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

Here is the church and here is the steeple
We sure are cute for two ugly people
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

The pebbles forgive me, the trees forgive me
So why can't, you forgive me?
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

I will find my nitch in your car
With my mp3 DVD rumple-packed guitar
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

Up up down down left right left right B A start
Just because we use cheats doesn't mean we're not smart
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

You are always trying to keep it real
I'm in love with how you feel
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

+1

For My Boys...

and then there was another
not fully expected but perhaps hoped for and always welcomed

sitting there
looking beautiful
and exuding all of those things that we perceive without fail but can never define
that make you recognizable as who you are

first at the table in that awkward restaurant
crowded by noisy and excited people that would never think to guess
the secret hiding behind those eyes that betray a certain wisdom beyond your years

then in the floor on a drunken friday night
surrounded by friendly and playful people who put you at ease and don't have to guess
because family is family and we know our own

then in my lap the morning after
arm around my neck as you curl close and make me feel both safe and needed
just as i've known my baby brother to do on so many occasions

my ear resting over your heart
the strength of its rhythm assures me that you are alive and well
unlike so many i have known before you
you need no direction for you found yourself long ago

pride and hope and perhaps even faith are momentarily restored
a new perspective gained from an inspirational addition to a life that often feels so lacking

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This is a meager attempt at putting into words what it is that I feel concerning the men in my life, most of which happen to be gay, when they first come into my life. I don't think I'll ever be able to fully express in words the role these individuals have played and continue to play in my life, but I sometimes feel the need to try. While the above refers mostly to a specific person, places, and events, I also feel it can be viewed loosely as a metaphor for the experiences I've had with almost every gay man that has become an important fixture in my life... with the exception of lines 17-19, which are what make this newest individual particularly unique in my mind. I truly admire his strong sense of self. Not that I've ever minded helping and being there for the people in my life... in fact, I'm glad I can serve a purpose. However, it's refreshing to meet a guy who doesn't need to be rescued from himself.

New Blog

Xanga is apparently dead, but I miss putting my thoughts out into a community on a semi-regular basis. I've been reading some blogs recently and I really like the layouts of these sites. I really want to give blogging another shot.

These days, I have a lot on my mind. I'll just have to wait and see what it is that I want to say. Don't have much time to spare at the moment, though.

So, until next time... peace.