Music Does It Again

Composed on 2-25-2009:

Today was one of those days... one of those days where something that shouldn't have been THAT big of a deal turned into a catastrophe within my mind, bringing all of the other stresses and strains in my life that I had been keeping in check so nicely tumbling down upon me in one giant heap. I had to go to the doctor... the doctor had no answers, causing me great frustration where it really shouldn't have. But after leaving his office, I found myself sobbing on the phone to my mother... not about my specific health problem... but about things so far removed from this particular issue that I later had trouble figuring out how I got to them. I felt weak. I felt vulnerable. I felt like I was failing on every level. I still felt motivated but could find absolutely no meaning in anything I was attempting to accomplish. I felt sure to my core that I was on my way to disappointing every person that had ever known me. I felt guilty for hating this place so much, the place where I was born and raised and spent the wonderful years of my childhood, and for wanting desperately to get away. I felt like a bitch for being so willing to walk off and leave my family and friends that I love so dearly and that have contributed so much to making me the person that I am. I felt selfish. I felt like a bad daughter and sister because in approximately 4 months, I will be living almost 2,300 miles away from my mother and siblings. I felt heartless. I felt cold. I felt hopeless. I felt buried beneath the weight of my life. I felt lost. All at the same time. And it was simply too much to feel and process and make sense of. I wanted to lay down and quit.

I know it was absurd. I know it was unreasonable and that all of these feelings weren't grounded in reality. I worked hard to access my store of psychological methods and techniques to calm myself. But no matter how well educated I may be in the workings of the human mind, every great once in a while, I find that I have very little to absolutely no control over the thoughts that flood my head.

My mom tried her best to work her mom magic and make me feel better through the phone. I could hear the desperate tone in her voice, the tone that says "I'm so helpless, sitting here 200 miles away from you on the other end of a phone connection...What am I supposed to do when my child is sobbing so far away from me?" After a while, I managed to reassure her that I would be fine. I collected myself, told her I was okay, asked her not to worry, convinced her that I would make it through the rest of my day, told her I loved her, and hung up. I still felt like shit, though. Like I said, it was one of those days. And I truly know that it's one of those days when my mom can't fix the problem with her encouragement and kind words and witty jokes.

So, I did the only other thing I ever know to do: I turned up my car stereo, begging the inevitable to occur. Within seconds, I was being soothed by the sounds of bass lines and guitar riffs and the sweeter than honey, smoother than silk voice of my eyeglasses and plaid wearing hero from the Northwest. The music flows through me. Not around me. Not near me. But absolutely within me. I feel it in my heart as it pounds in my chest, in the blood pumping through my veins. It creates an electric current in my skin, causing the hair to raise on my neck and arms. And I slowly begin to feel whole again, healed by the melodies and words and understanding I find only in music. I begin to sing along, screaming to be heard over the volume of my own thoughts and the speakers that vibrate viciously within the frame of my car, fighting with every fiber of my being against all of the feelings that are threatening to rip me apart piece by piece. By the time I reach my destination, I can smile once again.

Every time this happens, I always wonder why it is that someone I've never met, that knows absolutely nothing about me, who doesn't even know I exist, can give me more comfort and aid me in finding more meaning that those that know me best. Why can I be soothed by the words of a stranger when my own mother's words fail? How can a song help me retrieve my sanity and sense of self from some far away dark place when the things and people most important in my life can't pull me back to reason and reality? I'll probably never know the answer, but I have to say, once again, how incredibly thankful I am for music and the fact that I have somehow been enabled to experience it the way I do. Without it, I'd hate to think of how incredibly empty my life would frequently feel. That being said, I don't ever want anyone to think I don't appreciate the people in my life, my friends and family, my friends that ARE my family. They all mean the world to me and I don't know what I would do without them.

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Continued, 2-27-2009:

Stuff I'm currently listening to and LOVING:

*Bon Iver, "For Emma, Forever Ago - An album of 10 songs, each of them sad and lovely and beautiful in the best ways possible. Justin Vernon's voice is a little different, higher pitched and a bit unpolished, but suits the music wonderfully and is able to convey emotion very well. He gets his point across: Old love dies hard.

*The "Dark Was the Night" compilation - If you like indie bands, this is the collection for you. You can get it on Amazon for $9.99, all 31 tracks. Artists include Ben Gibbard, Feist, Grizzly Bear, Sufjan Stevens, Cat Powers, The Decemberists, Bon Iver, Andrew Bird, Beirut, The New Pornographers, Conor Oberst, and My Morning Jacket, to name a few. "Train Song," performed by Ben Gibbard + Feist, is one of my favorite tracks, as well as "Sleepless," by the Decemberists. Both Gibbard's and Meloy's voices give me chills in these particular songs.

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I'm going to dinner at Star of India tonight. Should be tasty.

I'm also wearing my wonderful blue and gray plaid, incredibly soft and comfortable button-up shirt today. It truly is near the top of the list of my current favorite things.

My thesis proposal is happening on Wednesday. I feel ready. A little nervous, but ready. I want this thing done.

All in all, the week is ending much better than it started. Wednesday was a particular bitch that I hope I've learned from. Moving on...

I need food. I'm starving. Off to get my paycheck and take care of that problem.

I leave you with a thought from a guy I admire:

"An ex-girlfriend once got upset when I told her that music is the most important thing in my life. It’s more important than anyone else could ever be. I don’t want to be overly dramatic and say it’s the only thing that gets me up and keeps me going. But people in your life come and go. As you go through your life, you make friendships, you break friendships, you have relationships. Music is the one thing I’ve always been able to rely on. So why wouldn’t it be the most important thing in my life?"
--Ben Gibbard, from "The Meaning of Life," PASTE Magazine, April 2008


Peace.