Composed on 2-25-2009:
Today was one of those days... one of those days where something that shouldn't have been THAT big of a deal turned into a catastrophe within my mind, bringing all of the other stresses and strains in my life that I had been keeping in check so nicely tumbling down upon me in one giant heap. I had to go to the doctor... the doctor had no answers, causing me great frustration where it really shouldn't have. But after leaving his office, I found myself sobbing on the phone to my mother... not about my specific health problem... but about things so far removed from this particular issue that I later had trouble figuring out how I got to them. I felt weak. I felt vulnerable. I felt like I was failing on every level. I still felt motivated but could find absolutely no meaning in anything I was attempting to accomplish. I felt sure to my core that I was on my way to disappointing every person that had ever known me. I felt guilty for hating this place so much, the place where I was born and raised and spent the wonderful years of my childhood, and for wanting desperately to get away. I felt like a bitch for being so willing to walk off and leave my family and friends that I love so dearly and that have contributed so much to making me the person that I am. I felt selfish. I felt like a bad daughter and sister because in approximately 4 months, I will be living almost 2,300 miles away from my mother and siblings. I felt heartless. I felt cold. I felt hopeless. I felt buried beneath the weight of my life. I felt lost. All at the same time. And it was simply too much to feel and process and make sense of. I wanted to lay down and quit.
I know it was absurd. I know it was unreasonable and that all of these feelings weren't grounded in reality. I worked hard to access my store of psychological methods and techniques to calm myself. But no matter how well educated I may be in the workings of the human mind, every great once in a while, I find that I have very little to absolutely no control over the thoughts that flood my head.
My mom tried her best to work her mom magic and make me feel better through the phone. I could hear the desperate tone in her voice, the tone that says "I'm so helpless, sitting here 200 miles away from you on the other end of a phone connection...What am I supposed to do when my child is sobbing so far away from me?" After a while, I managed to reassure her that I would be fine. I collected myself, told her I was okay, asked her not to worry, convinced her that I would make it through the rest of my day, told her I loved her, and hung up. I still felt like shit, though. Like I said, it was one of those days. And I truly know that it's one of those days when my mom can't fix the problem with her encouragement and kind words and witty jokes.
So, I did the only other thing I ever know to do: I turned up my car stereo, begging the inevitable to occur. Within seconds, I was being soothed by the sounds of bass lines and guitar riffs and the sweeter than honey, smoother than silk voice of my eyeglasses and plaid wearing hero from the Northwest. The music flows through me. Not around me. Not near me. But absolutely within me. I feel it in my heart as it pounds in my chest, in the blood pumping through my veins. It creates an electric current in my skin, causing the hair to raise on my neck and arms. And I slowly begin to feel whole again, healed by the melodies and words and understanding I find only in music. I begin to sing along, screaming to be heard over the volume of my own thoughts and the speakers that vibrate viciously within the frame of my car, fighting with every fiber of my being against all of the feelings that are threatening to rip me apart piece by piece. By the time I reach my destination, I can smile once again.
Every time this happens, I always wonder why it is that someone I've never met, that knows absolutely nothing about me, who doesn't even know I exist, can give me more comfort and aid me in finding more meaning that those that know me best. Why can I be soothed by the words of a stranger when my own mother's words fail? How can a song help me retrieve my sanity and sense of self from some far away dark place when the things and people most important in my life can't pull me back to reason and reality? I'll probably never know the answer, but I have to say, once again, how incredibly thankful I am for music and the fact that I have somehow been enabled to experience it the way I do. Without it, I'd hate to think of how incredibly empty my life would frequently feel. That being said, I don't ever want anyone to think I don't appreciate the people in my life, my friends and family, my friends that ARE my family. They all mean the world to me and I don't know what I would do without them.
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Continued, 2-27-2009:
Stuff I'm currently listening to and LOVING:
*Bon Iver, "For Emma, Forever Ago - An album of 10 songs, each of them sad and lovely and beautiful in the best ways possible. Justin Vernon's voice is a little different, higher pitched and a bit unpolished, but suits the music wonderfully and is able to convey emotion very well. He gets his point across: Old love dies hard.
*The "Dark Was the Night" compilation - If you like indie bands, this is the collection for you. You can get it on Amazon for $9.99, all 31 tracks. Artists include Ben Gibbard, Feist, Grizzly Bear, Sufjan Stevens, Cat Powers, The Decemberists, Bon Iver, Andrew Bird, Beirut, The New Pornographers, Conor Oberst, and My Morning Jacket, to name a few. "Train Song," performed by Ben Gibbard + Feist, is one of my favorite tracks, as well as "Sleepless," by the Decemberists. Both Gibbard's and Meloy's voices give me chills in these particular songs.
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I'm going to dinner at Star of India tonight. Should be tasty.
I'm also wearing my wonderful blue and gray plaid, incredibly soft and comfortable button-up shirt today. It truly is near the top of the list of my current favorite things.
My thesis proposal is happening on Wednesday. I feel ready. A little nervous, but ready. I want this thing done.
All in all, the week is ending much better than it started. Wednesday was a particular bitch that I hope I've learned from. Moving on...
I need food. I'm starving. Off to get my paycheck and take care of that problem.
I leave you with a thought from a guy I admire:
"An ex-girlfriend once got upset when I told her that music is the most important thing in my life. It’s more important than anyone else could ever be. I don’t want to be overly dramatic and say it’s the only thing that gets me up and keeps me going. But people in your life come and go. As you go through your life, you make friendships, you break friendships, you have relationships. Music is the one thing I’ve always been able to rely on. So why wouldn’t it be the most important thing in my life?"
--Ben Gibbard, from "The Meaning of Life," PASTE Magazine, April 2008
Peace.
Friday, February 27, 2009
Sunday, February 15, 2009
And Things Keep Going....
I've finished the first draft of my thesis proposal. I'm doing some final proofreading and changes and will send it to my adviser tomorrow. It feels really good to at least have a completed draft to work with, even though I know it's not perfect and I'm sure many changes will be added before I actually propose. I just don't feel like as much of a bum anymore, having a 25-page document in my hand to show the work I've actually been doing.
On Tuesday, I'm leaving for New Orleans for a conference with a professor and an undergraduate student from the Behavioral Sciences Department here at Tech. It's the week before Mardi Gras, so it should be a pretty entertaining trip. I went down there for a different conference around this time last year. My mom went with me then and we had a blast. I look forward to getting out of town for a while, even if it is only to go to Louisiana. It will be cool to hang out with people from the department for a few days and have some fun in a place that isn't Russellville, AR. A change of scenery is all I need every once in a while.
I think the excitement/stress I've begun to associate with getting ready to move is actually starting to catch up with me. I had a dream the other night... a very vivid dream... in which Kris and I flew to Seattle to find a place to live. Upon leaving the airport, which, strangely enough was located RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE of downtown Seattle, I looked around and realized that the city was NOTHING like I remembered it and was, in fact, identical to Chinatown in San Francisco. As we wandered through shops and chatted with locals, I also noticed that Kris was toting a suitcase and a messenger bag in addition to her purse; I, however, had only a bag full of books. I had completely forgotten to pack any clothes at all for the trip. As I searched for garments to wear during my stay, I couldn't find anything, not even a t-shirt, for under $100. I ended up having to spend ALL of my travel money on clothing, leaving me with nothing for food or lodging or deposits on a place to live. I was panicked and depressed and felt completely hopeless. But I guess it all worked out.... because later, in a different dream (or a continuation of this first one... I'm really not sure...), I was walking through the Pike Place Market, looking through the shops and admiring the fresh produce and crafts made by the locals, when I ran into Robin Pecknold (lead singer for Fleet Foxes who happens to be from Seattle... in case you're not familiar with the name). I knew who he was in my dream, but didn't let him know I knew. I just approached him like he was a normal, every day guy that I just wanted to chat with. We quickly fell into easy conversation and started walking together through the market. He later informed me that he had to meet some friends back at his place and asked if I would like to come along and meet them. Of course I accepted. When we arrived at his apartment, I was absolutely thrilled when he opened the door and there sat the other members of Fleet Foxes. I was introduced and took a place on the couch, where I remained for the rest of the dream, chatting with this group of amazing musicians and in complete awe of my luck. Needless to say, I woke up with a combination of feelings. Worried about all of the things that I could forget or mess up if I don't plan well... but totally excited about the idea of meeting new people in a big, new place (now, don't think that I expect to meet Robin Pecknold walking through the market or anything like that... although, I wouldn't object to it. I just don't think the odds are in my favor on that one). It's so rare that I remember dreams. I just thought those were kind of interesting.
I graduate on May 16. Kris and I fly to Seattle on May 22. We plan on moving by the end of June. With each passing day, I feel more hopeful about my future. While I have an insane amount of work to do before I get my master's degree, I feel confident in my ability to accomplish these things. I'm so driven to succeed in this so I can move that it feels as though nothing can stand in my way. I won't let it. I'm so ready to move. So ready to be in the city I love. So ready to meet new people and make new friends (not that I don't love my friends here... I do. More than they'll ever know...). So ready to be surrounded by something other than fundamentalist attitudes EVERYWHERE I turn. So ready to be closer to the music scene and the bands I love. So ready to have more options for my future. So ready to be nearer to the Pacific and the mountains. I know I'm going to miss my family and friends when I leave and I'll probably even feel nostalgia toward Arkansas from time to time. It's time for a change, though. And it's been a long time coming.
Stuff I'm currently listening to and loving:
J. Tillman- Vacilando Territory Blues, I Will Return, and Minor Works. All GREAT albums. I checked this guy out after I started listening to Fleet Foxes. He's their drummer but has a solo career as well. His stuff is really great for the end of a stressful day, when you just need to wind down. He has a really soothing voice... in my opinion, anyway.
The Slumdog Millionaire Soundtrack- It's up for best film score at the Academy Awards on Sunday. It's already won at the Golden Globes. It's really beautiful and compliments the movie in so many good ways. "O...Saya," which features MIA, is really awesome, especially if you listen to it in a car with a really good sound system... and "Jai Ho" will make you want to get up and dance.
Barcelona- A friend of mine gave me the songs "First Floor People," "Get Up, Get Up, Get Up," and "It's About Time" recently by this band called Barcelona. I can't get enough of these guys. Really heartfelt lyrics and music that reminds me of Keane... and sometimes Coldplay... and, on occasion, the bass lines of the Killers.
"The Sun Giant" EP, by Fleet Foxes- "Mykonos" is amazing. You never heard more perfect harmonies in folk music. That's all I'm going to say.
"Prospekt's March" EP, by Coldplay- They've simply added more to some songs from "Viva la Vida" and thrown in a few pieces that didn't make the cut for the full album. It's good stuff, though. The Jay-Z remix of "Lost" is particularly interesting... and well done, in my opinion.
The library's closing in 10 minutes and I will be run out soon enough. I'll try to update a bit from New Orleans in the upcoming week.
Peace.
On Tuesday, I'm leaving for New Orleans for a conference with a professor and an undergraduate student from the Behavioral Sciences Department here at Tech. It's the week before Mardi Gras, so it should be a pretty entertaining trip. I went down there for a different conference around this time last year. My mom went with me then and we had a blast. I look forward to getting out of town for a while, even if it is only to go to Louisiana. It will be cool to hang out with people from the department for a few days and have some fun in a place that isn't Russellville, AR. A change of scenery is all I need every once in a while.
I think the excitement/stress I've begun to associate with getting ready to move is actually starting to catch up with me. I had a dream the other night... a very vivid dream... in which Kris and I flew to Seattle to find a place to live. Upon leaving the airport, which, strangely enough was located RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE of downtown Seattle, I looked around and realized that the city was NOTHING like I remembered it and was, in fact, identical to Chinatown in San Francisco. As we wandered through shops and chatted with locals, I also noticed that Kris was toting a suitcase and a messenger bag in addition to her purse; I, however, had only a bag full of books. I had completely forgotten to pack any clothes at all for the trip. As I searched for garments to wear during my stay, I couldn't find anything, not even a t-shirt, for under $100. I ended up having to spend ALL of my travel money on clothing, leaving me with nothing for food or lodging or deposits on a place to live. I was panicked and depressed and felt completely hopeless. But I guess it all worked out.... because later, in a different dream (or a continuation of this first one... I'm really not sure...), I was walking through the Pike Place Market, looking through the shops and admiring the fresh produce and crafts made by the locals, when I ran into Robin Pecknold (lead singer for Fleet Foxes who happens to be from Seattle... in case you're not familiar with the name). I knew who he was in my dream, but didn't let him know I knew. I just approached him like he was a normal, every day guy that I just wanted to chat with. We quickly fell into easy conversation and started walking together through the market. He later informed me that he had to meet some friends back at his place and asked if I would like to come along and meet them. Of course I accepted. When we arrived at his apartment, I was absolutely thrilled when he opened the door and there sat the other members of Fleet Foxes. I was introduced and took a place on the couch, where I remained for the rest of the dream, chatting with this group of amazing musicians and in complete awe of my luck. Needless to say, I woke up with a combination of feelings. Worried about all of the things that I could forget or mess up if I don't plan well... but totally excited about the idea of meeting new people in a big, new place (now, don't think that I expect to meet Robin Pecknold walking through the market or anything like that... although, I wouldn't object to it. I just don't think the odds are in my favor on that one). It's so rare that I remember dreams. I just thought those were kind of interesting.
I graduate on May 16. Kris and I fly to Seattle on May 22. We plan on moving by the end of June. With each passing day, I feel more hopeful about my future. While I have an insane amount of work to do before I get my master's degree, I feel confident in my ability to accomplish these things. I'm so driven to succeed in this so I can move that it feels as though nothing can stand in my way. I won't let it. I'm so ready to move. So ready to be in the city I love. So ready to meet new people and make new friends (not that I don't love my friends here... I do. More than they'll ever know...). So ready to be surrounded by something other than fundamentalist attitudes EVERYWHERE I turn. So ready to be closer to the music scene and the bands I love. So ready to have more options for my future. So ready to be nearer to the Pacific and the mountains. I know I'm going to miss my family and friends when I leave and I'll probably even feel nostalgia toward Arkansas from time to time. It's time for a change, though. And it's been a long time coming.
Stuff I'm currently listening to and loving:
J. Tillman- Vacilando Territory Blues, I Will Return, and Minor Works. All GREAT albums. I checked this guy out after I started listening to Fleet Foxes. He's their drummer but has a solo career as well. His stuff is really great for the end of a stressful day, when you just need to wind down. He has a really soothing voice... in my opinion, anyway.
The Slumdog Millionaire Soundtrack- It's up for best film score at the Academy Awards on Sunday. It's already won at the Golden Globes. It's really beautiful and compliments the movie in so many good ways. "O...Saya," which features MIA, is really awesome, especially if you listen to it in a car with a really good sound system... and "Jai Ho" will make you want to get up and dance.
Barcelona- A friend of mine gave me the songs "First Floor People," "Get Up, Get Up, Get Up," and "It's About Time" recently by this band called Barcelona. I can't get enough of these guys. Really heartfelt lyrics and music that reminds me of Keane... and sometimes Coldplay... and, on occasion, the bass lines of the Killers.
"The Sun Giant" EP, by Fleet Foxes- "Mykonos" is amazing. You never heard more perfect harmonies in folk music. That's all I'm going to say.
"Prospekt's March" EP, by Coldplay- They've simply added more to some songs from "Viva la Vida" and thrown in a few pieces that didn't make the cut for the full album. It's good stuff, though. The Jay-Z remix of "Lost" is particularly interesting... and well done, in my opinion.
The library's closing in 10 minutes and I will be run out soon enough. I'll try to update a bit from New Orleans in the upcoming week.
Peace.
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