Get up off your ass and go VOTE. Words can't begin to express the importance of this one, simple task at this time in our country.

Not Ready to Love

I was listening to "One Man Guy," as performed by Rufus Wainwright (the song was originally written and recorded by his father) this morning and, for some reason, found his voice to be particularly comforting and appropriate for my mood today. Because of this, I decided I'd just listen to every Rufus Wainwright song I have with me on my iPod. I've collected random stuff by him over the years from several of his albums, but the only album of his I've ever bought in its entirety is "Release the Stars," his latest one which was released early last summer. While in San Francisco last May, I wandered into the Virgin Megastore off Market Street and encountered a display advertising the newly released album. It was on sale and, for some reason, I felt compelled to purchase it. I had never bought any of his other albums... don't know why I suddenly needed this one. But ANYWAY... I didn't even open it until I left on the bus from Seattle about a week and a half later to make my journey back to Arkansas. I'm really glad I didn't listen to it before then because it complimented the scenery of Eastern Washington and Oregon so well. The snow-capped mountains, the green that stretched forever in all directions... Wainwright's voice and musings on love just seemed to work well as an accompaniment for taking all of it in. I listened to that album a LOT over the course of that two-day ride back to the South. However, I hadn't really paid much attention to it since then. Until today.

When my playlist reached "Release the Stars," I immediately woke up from my Monday morning stupor as I recognized the beginnings of the album. I listened intently, hearing things I remembered fondly, hearing things I didn't remember at all. What struck me most was the fact that I don't remember feeling SO moved by these songs. I don't remember ever actively acknowledging the beauty of these intstrumental arrangements. I don't remember his voice creating this feeling in my chest, causing my breath to catch on certain notes. I don't remember getting chills as I listened to his lyrics. Maybe I was just in a different place mentally when I first experienced this album. Or maybe I just hadn't yet learned to listen this way. Whatever the case may be, I have found a new and amazing friend in this album and I feel so bad for neglecting it for so long.

Last summer, I recall loving the songs "Going to a Town," in which Wainwright criticizes America and how it has let the world down in the last few years, and "Slideshow," in which he ponders his love for a particular individual, whether it's real or not, and what it means for him to feel this way. This time around, I still find those songs lovely; even more so now because of the way I'm listening to them. However, I somehow overlooked this outstanding song called "Not Ready to Love" when I first bought the album. How, I will never know... because it is gorgeous and heart-wrenching and pulls from me a response that few songs can. On my second listen through the album today, I set aside everything I was doing to completely take it in. All I could do was close my eyes and listen, processing the layers of sound -- acoustic guitar, steel guitar, an almost hidden bass line, and later, piano -- overlapping, intertwining, creating an inexplicable beauty with his smooth as silk voice topping it all off like icing on a cake while putting forth words so heartfelt it made me want to cry. I probably would have had I been anywhere else.

I've been in a mood the past week or so stemming from any number of areas in my life. When I stop and really think about it, though, what it comes down to is that I feel lonely. I want someone to want me. I want to turn around and see someone there. I want to wake up, roll over, and see someone I love lying next to me. But, at the same time, I realize I am in no place in my life to want or have this sort of thing. I don't want to involve myself with someone that I will only leave in a number of months as I make my way to Seattle. I already feel like shit, knowing that I'll be doing that to friends I've been lucky enough to find here, those that mean more to me than they'll ever know. To walk away from that kind of love is bad enough, but friendships are designed to withstand time and distance and it's in this that I trust. In short, I don't want to involve myself in something until I can do it right and give another person the same sort of love, affection, and attention that I know I deserve and would expect from them. If I can't put myself in a situation where I can at least attempt to do things correctly, then I don't see the point. This, however, does not change the fact that I'm lonely. That my chest hurts. That I have headaches daily. That I'm filled with a longing that won't go away. That I can't sleep a lot of nights. That I want something I can't have, no matter what I do.

And I guess that's why "Release the Stars," and "Not Ready to Love" in particular, is speaking to me today. I love that music can do that... allow you to connect to SOMETHING, not matter what it is you're feeling or experiencing. When nothing else seems to work, when no one seems to care, when you think you could never find the right words to express what you're feeling, along comes a perfect song, out of the blue, that has the ability to encompass all of the impossibilities of the moment. I'd be lost without that.




I'm not ready to love, I'm not ready for peace
I'm givin' up the dove to the beast
I'm not ready to surrender to another glove murderer

I'm not ready to love, I'm not ready to to fly
I'm givin' up belief in the sky
So you can take my sin in up above on high, say goodbye

I'm not ready to love, I'm not ready to love
I'm not ready to love until I'm ready to love you the way you should be loved
Until I'm ready to hold you the way you should be held
You should be held, but I'm not ready to

"Not Ready to Love," by Rufus Wainwright

"The Rhumb Line," by Ra Ra Riot

Seriously.... listen to this album.

_________________________________________________________________

Have I been too discreet
How long am I supposed to wait
I think about you nightly
Oh can you tell I'm losing sleep

What am I supposed to do
It's hard to stay cool
When you smile at me
And I get nervous every time you speak

My bed's too big for just me
When you turn your eyes
I promise I won't care
Standing by your sister fair

Oh baby baby please
My heart sinks to my feet
What am I supposed to do
I think about you nightly

My bed's too big for just me
When you turn your eyes
I promise I won't care
Standing by your sister fair

My bed's too big for me
When you turn your eyes
I promise I won't care
Standing by your sister fair

When I look into your eyes
I tend to lose my thoughts
Don't forget your stare
Oh what was that you said
Would you let me know
'Cause I can't read your mind
Oh can you tell
I can't even explain

Oh baby I can't even explain
What am I supposed to do
It's hard to stay cool
When you smile at me
And I get nervous every time you speak
Oh, standing by your sister fair

"Can You Tell," by Ra Ra Riot

"Cath..." in its Greatest Form

This is, in my opinion, absolutely, positively, without a doubt the best version of this song that I've heard. I have a recording of Ben Gibbard singing it alone during his solo tour last year, accompanied by nothing but the acoustic guitar he's playing. I've heard it played live while standing in the audience. I have the album (of course). I stumbled upon this performance of "Cath...," which is part of an interview Chris and Ben did while in England, while weeding through YouTube videos. This version is astounding because:
1.) The two guitars play perfectly off of one another. The give and take is so well-balanced. I know that has to do with the arrangement of the music, but I also think Ben and Chris just play so well together and that they've been doing it so well for so long that they make it look and sound easy now.
2.) The absolutely driving rhythm established by the two acoustic guitars is just outstanding. At times, I have to stop and REALLY listen, thinking "That can't possibly be just those guitars...." but it is. Watch Ben Gibbard's strumming hand. You can notice him knocking those beats dead on. Chris Walla contributes to it as well. Again, just watching the give and take between the two guitar parts is awesome.
3.) This is a really stripped version of "Cath..." You can hear with great clarity the beautiful melodic guitar lines that so frequently get hidden or down-played by other things in the album version. You can also watch Chris Walla's mad picking skills. It's SO FUN to observe these guys playing and interacting with one another. You can just FEEL the connection.
4.) As I stated in my previous post, I think Ben Gibbard's voice was made to accompany an acoustic guitar. His vocals stand out in this recording in a way that they really CAN'T in the album version.

I wish I could hire these guys to sit and play acoustic guitar and sing and talk to me all day long. I'd be in heaven.

Why I Cry...

A while back, I heard Ben Gibbard do a cover of "Why I Cry" on a video from the solo tour he did in 2007 (See below). I LOVE his version of the song, but I wish I could find a better quality recording of it. You should really check out this performance. I enjoy watching him play so much... and listening. I think Gibbard's voice was manufactured specifically to accompany an acoustic guitar. The two sound as if they were made for each other.



Yesterday, I found the original version done by the Magnetic Fields. Listening to it gave me that feeling of wanting to do nothing more than crawl into bed with the person you love and cling to them forever. Such sadness evoked by that song. Each note, guitar riff, and vocalization crushing my heart. But it's such a real feeling, one to be experienced, not pushed to the side or overlooked. It's not that surface sad that you know is expected of you so you force yourself to "feel" it, but that deep sort of sad that is undeniable as it penetrates all the way to the bone. I think it perfectly encompasses what it feels like to be left against your will by someone you thought would never be more than an arm's reach away. I recommend it if you want to experience something true and real for about three full minutes.

All the summer days
Where we used to play
Walking hand in hand
Castles in the sand

So you said goodnight
But you meant goodbye
Now our love has died
This is why I cry

From the madding crowd
Pointing up at clouds
Summer turned to fall
Pictures on the wall

So you said goodnight
But you meant goodbye
Now our love has died
This is why I cry

Listen...

I just ordered Chuck Klosterman's first novel, Downtown Owl, which got released almost two weeks earlier than what I had marked on my calendar. Exciting stuff. I've always been a big fan of his writing, mostly cultural commentary. I love his perspective and his take on people. I envy his way with words. Somehow, he manages to express those ideas and feelings lurking in the depths of my mind that I only acknowledge in the time I spend alone right before falling asleep. It only frustrates me when I try to explain such thoughts. I hate stating something I find to be truly beautiful, profound, worthy of conversation, or just plain neat only to be greeted by blank stares, awkward silence, or a passing one syllable word or grunt. I think my mind works in strange ways as it's a rare thing for me to find a person that I feel I truly connect with on multiple levels. More often than not, I can only make these connections with music or books; Benjamin Gibbard, Chuck Klosterman, Jack Kerouac... you get the picture. I'm not trying to say there's anything wrong with any person I know for not wanting to talk about what I find interesting. I just often feel that there's this huge part of me that never gets to see the light of day because no one has any use for it and forcing it on someone doesn't do anybody any good. It only leads to a deeper realization that no one is listening... and then I'm back at square one.

I'm currently listening to the latest Mates of State album and I have to say I'm really feeling this music. And when I say "feeling," I don't mean it as a metaphor for really getting into it. I mean I'm honestly, physically experiencing this music. I feel it in my muscles, in my bones, in the blood pumping through my veins. I can see it when I close my eyes. It affects me so strongly at times it feels as though it should be something tangible residing within me. How could the simple process of manipulating airwaves ever produce such power? ANYWAY... I've owned "Re-arrange Us" for about 3 weeks now, but I'm finally relaxing into the sound of these songs, the layout of the tracks over the course of the album, and all of the subtle musical details hidden between the cracks. Like the gorgeous cello line in "Get Better," not emphasized that much at all until the end of the song... down-played very much by the piano, drums, and vocal harmonies. But it's there the whole time... and once you hear it, you'll never not hear it again because it almost instantly becomes one of those great comforts you depend on during gray mornings and long drives and lonely nights when there's no one to hear your heart breaking. "Everything's going to get lighter, even if it never gets better," sings Kori Gardner in her beautiful, strong, "I will not take this laying down" voice. She is backed by her husband, Jason Hammel, providing roughly perfect harmonies to her melody as he pounds out the driving rhythm on his drums. That line... I don't know what it is... but every time I hear it, something inside me swells. As though I'm finally realizing, or perhaps just being reminded, that no matter how hopeless the world may seem, there is always something that will be able to provide some sort of solace, make things "lighter," even if it's only for a moment and even if the world is shit again immediately afterward. All I have to do is step back and look for it. Like that lovely cello disguising itself amidst that piano line, there is always beauty to be found, in people, in places, in situations, in so many things, if I just slow down and make a point of looking for it. In this case, it's a song that you've probably never heard played by two musicians you probably never knew existed. Long story short, check out this album. Even if you don't like it, you've only lost about 40 minutes of your life. And if you DO like it... well, welcome to the club.

I wish you could hear what I hear. And I wish I could tell you how to hear it. And I wish that I didn't feel like an idiot, grasping at straws, as I try to explain how I crave things like this- musical experiences, connections, realizations, peace, plus some element I can't even put a name to, all rolled into one-more than the oxygen my lungs require to breathe. I want someone to understand me fully... and still want me afterward.

Yes, We Can! Accept a Nomination... and Look Really Adorable in Plaid

This guy... I've never been more proud to support someone. The fact that a politician of any sort can make me feel as hopeful as Obama does is just amazing within itself. But he is actually capable of making me look at this country that I've grown bitter toward and nothing but frustrated with and think that there might be a chance of us coming back from the awful mess that has been the presidency of George W. Bush. Perhaps we can restore our place within the world. Perhaps the US can once again be the place it has promised to be for so many years. Regardless of what happens, I feel so lucky to have been around to experience the campaign of Barack Obama, one for the books.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And THESE guys, as I mentioned in my last post, are just the greatest as far as I'm concerned. Chris Walla (of Death Cab for Cutie) has been blogging for Rolling Stone magazine from the convention all week (check it out at www.rollingstone.com) and Ben Gibbard (also of DCfC) has been VERY outspoken in his support for Obama and his message of change for the country. This is a very brief interview, but I love that these guys are getting heard. I love me some Seattle guys in plaid!

New Year and a Band That Owns My Soul

I went all summer without a single post... not because I had nothing to say but because other things just always seem to take priority over blogging, even if I don't want them to. I've had so many ideas for things I'd like to write, mostly concerning music, but I never have the time to get them all down. I also feel at a loss for words sometimes... as though the English language isn't adequate for expressing the things I feel. In the words of Ben Gibbard: "The boundaries of language I quietly curse." More frequently than anyone realizes...

The new school year has begun. It's off to a good start as far as I'm concerned. My thesis topic was approved, so I'm FINALLY enrolled in my thesis research hours. I'll be working on a project that truly interests me, so I know I'll be motivated. I'm teaching a General Psychology course full of freshmen that have no clue about college yet. It's fun and interesting to watch them as I lecture. Teaching is going to be a great experience for me; I can tell already. As a graduate assistant, I get an office that I share with one other person. He's hardly ever here at the same times as me, so it's quiet most of the time and I can listen to my music if I want. Pretty sweet set up. I've decorated my blinding white office walls will pictures of Seattle and Washington state that I've printed out, along with album art from Death Cab for Cutie's stuff and xkcd comic strips. It's added a little character, to say the least. I'm taking two classes, both of which I think will be pretty interesting. I only have one paper and one presentation this semester, which is great because I have so much to do for my thesis. I HAVE to stay on track to finish by May so I can graduate and get the hell out of here. Also this fall, I will be applying to the Social Psychology PhD. program at the University of Washington in Seattle. I completely expect to be rejected, but I have to try. Who knows? The universe my pleasantly surprise me for a change. Busy year ahead of me... but I know it will be worth it in the end. I'm counting down the days until I can walk through the streets of Seattle and call it home. So close...

Over the past few months, I've fallen even more in love with Death Cab for Cutie. I saw them in concert in May in Columbia, Missouri, and it was one of the most moving experiences of my life. The way I felt after that show, half deaf and wearing a smile that would not go away... it was as though I'd been missing something essential in my life but just never noticed it. But after hearing and SEEING Ben Gibbard and Chris Walla and Jason McGerr and Nick Harmer make music together on an open air stage in the middle of a street, I felt as though some piece of a puzzle had locked securely into place. To be able to convey such feeling and force through the manipulation of airwaves via instrument and voice... it never ceases to amaze me. I'll be seeing them again in October and I simply cannot wait.

Benjamin Gibbard

Chris Walla

I'll try to update a little more frequently throughout the upcoming year. I have some time here in this office where I'm simply chilling and thinking and planning. Perhaps I can blog then.

Peace

National Day of Silence 2008

National Day of Silence: Friday, April 25th, 2008

What are you going to do to end the silence?

Check out these links for more information:

http://www.dayofsilence.org/content/truth.html

http://www.dayofsilence.org/content/news.html

...

That intoxicating smell
I hate how it lingers
Forcing me to respond against my will
And desire what I can never have
Twisting my gut
Leaving an all too familiar ache
As my body longs for something just beyond my reach

My mind knows the truth
But biology can often be merciless
Tearing down well reinforced walls
Leaving nothing between me and the enemy
And I find myself staring with both awe and disgust
Wondering why
I have always had such a queer love affair with the impossible

Escape

Around this same time every year, I start to get this feeling that I'm suffocating.

I feel trapped by what seems like a ton of obligations, responsibilities, and things that need to be done before I can escape. I've come to the conclusion that a lot of these are imaginary. However, this doesn't make their presence and the effects they're having on my life any less real.

I sit in front of a computer for hours at a time at my job. With nothing else to do and internet access at my fingertips, I look at pictures of Seattle and Washington state and dream of the day when I'll be living there. I think of how nice it will be to live in a city, to be able to walk to the places I need to go, or have access to public transportation when it's needed. To actually have access to cultural events and music and art on a regular basis without having to drive for a minimum of 2 hours...

I think about all of the possibilities that Seattle holds. I could end up furthering my education in the Social Psychology PhD program at the University of Washington (if they'll accept me) or getting a job that will actually allow me to utilize my master's degree that I will have earned here. And even if I can't find a suitable psychology job, there are job openings all over the place in veterinary healthcare, an area with which I am VERY familiar as I worked in a veterinary clinic for many years as a youngster and a teenager.

I think about how incredibly few possibilities Arkansas has to offer me... and I wonder for the millionth time that hour why I am still here.

I look at listings of available houses for rent, checking daily for new additions for reasons I have yet to comprehend seeing as how I am nowhere near ready to start looking for another place to live yet. I still have to worry about paying next month's rent on the Dover house... and the month after that... and the month after that....

I look at the beaches of Washington's Olympic Peninsula and long for the day when I can make a trip on the weekend to walk where the water meets the land and camp on the cliffs where I will be able to fall asleep to the sound of honest to God Pacific Ocean waves. Gulf of Mexico waves are one thing, but in my mind, they lack the power and severe beauty that the Pacific possesses.

I search the most obscure parts of the internet for cheap travel options in the hopes that I might be able to get back up there before next summer. It's so difficult for me to go so long without that feeling I get when I'm in Washington. The feeling that I'm free to be me... free to breathe... free to enjoy my life and finally relax into what it is that I'm supposed to be doing. A feeling of hope that I can't seem to summon while sitting here in Russellville...

Every night, I go to sleep making plans in my head. Plans that I pray will actually come to pass.

I miss Seattle so very much. I think it somehow kept some essential part of my being that I'll never be able to fully reclaim, some part of me that will remain there always, regardless of any future places in which I may find myself.

I wish I had the nerve to just lay it all down here, walk away from this bullshit degree and this bullshit school... pack my things and just get in my car and go. Fuck the money. I could make some when I get there. Fuck the timing. You only live once. I should be using the little time I have to do things that actually MEAN something to me instead of wasting it here, working toward a degree I'm only getting because I've been told master's degree = job security, something else I've been told I'm supposed to care about. I should have applied to the PhD program at the U of W last year, but no... I had to play it safe because that was the responsible thing to do: stay here, get a "well-rounded" experience in the field of psychology so I could better determine where I belong. It hasn't helped at all. If anything, it's only confused me further and made me realize that I'm going to have to make my own niche, regardless of the field of psychology I choose. Even though education has always been terribly important to me and a PhD has always been a goal I've set for myself and something that I truly wish to obtain, the longer I stay here, the more I realize that there are so many other things in life that mean so much more to me... things that I haven't pursued up to this point because education and the responsibilities and obligations associated with it have kept me anchored to one spot.

I'm so tired of it. So incredibly exhausted... but I lack what it takes to be wild and fancy free and let go of all of these cares. No matter how hard I try, I can't seem to be that person.

In a few months, I will be 24 years old... and I will begin my last year of calling Arkansas my home. My last year of trying to find ways to occupy my mind and kill time until I can graduate... again. My last year of trying to figure out ways to get out of here. My last year of counting days and falling asleep to the memories and images of the Northwest that are so frequently my main source of comfort.

My 25th year on this earth will be the beginning of something completely different. Something amazing. Something worthwhile. Something real.

Snow

I went to a restaurant earlier to meet some friends for dinner. None of them showed until thirty minutes later and I had to leave. During that time, I just sat and ate my burger and watched the snow through the window. I don't know what it is about falling snow that makes me feel that the world is full of so much sad beauty. The kind of beauty that when you actually stop and take notice of it, it leaves you feeling as though the only proper thing to do is cry because there's really no other way to express it. The only downside to this is that not everything IS beautiful... including people. So most of the rest of my evening has been spent feeling slightly annoyed and frustrated with the individuals that I feel will never reach beyond the petty things of their every day lives. Listening to them go on and on about the wrongs they feel have been dealt them, even though most of these so-called faults against them exist only in rumor and nothing more... or having a tall, skinny blonde tell me how challenging her weight watchers program is... or having someone fish for a way to compliment me and, in the process, semi-insult me instead... these things just make the world seem so much more discontent and due to my mood, just made me wish for nothing more than to not be around anyone who doesn't truly understand me. I just want to sit in peace and watch the snow fall and think about my brothers having snowball fights in the field at home... or about how we all used to sit on the love seat near the wood stove at home and just talk or read, enjoying the heat that chased away the chill... or about snuggling close to a guy I care deeply about (in one way or another) under a big, warm quilt and listening to the rain fall outside the window while we talk. I miss such things so much... because, to me, they are some of the best things life has to offer, even if they are terribly simple. I miss physical closeness... just holding another person's hand or being able to place my ear to a chest within which a heart beats soothingly. So much peace and comfort can be derived from just being near another human being who wants to be there too and understands a need for closeness.


I miss my brothers. Especially my baby brother. I just want to hug him and take a drive with him and talk for hours with him. I want him to know I'm there and that he can tell me anything and that no matter what, it will always be alright in the end. I want to tell him how much I love him and how thankful I am that he's in my life and how much more beauty there is in the world because he's here.

I want to get in my car and drive with my favorite music blasting full volume to guarantee that I lose my hearing at a young age. I want to drive until I reach the point where the Pacific Ocean touches the beautiful black beaches of Washington. Then I'd sit and watch and listen and smell and be happy.

Long night. What can I say....

Have to leave soon. Wonder if it's still snowing.... I hope so.

Peace.

I Don't See What Anyone Can See in Anyone Else.... But You

I will never understand what it is that gives me such joy to be a part of the gay and lesbian community. I suppose it is the acceptance I have received... and the only way I have gained this is by being accepting myself. So many times, I look at my life and become frantic as I scramble for some sort of meaning to anchor me to my place. It's as if there's no hope for anything that could ever give me peace. I feel as if I have no purpose, like my goals are pointless, that nothing I could ever do will matter in any way. In these times, it is always my wonderful friends who remind me of why, in my opinion, I am here. They instill in me a sense of pride and hope for a better tomorrow. They face adversity every day of their lives for simply being who they are, yet they still thrive. They find direction... they find inspiration... they find happiness... they find each other. And I feel that because I have found them and CONTINUE to find them, I will always have a home to come back to. I will always have a community to call my own. I will always have people to lean on and people who trust me enough to lean on me and need me at times. Even if this is all I ever accomplish in my life, I still feel it will have been important and worthwhile.

Many refer to girls like me as Fag Hags. I don't mind this name and I shoulder the title's implications with honor. I don't consider it a burden. However, I honestly don't know what it is that draws these men to me.... or what it is that makes me unable to pull any men of the heterosexual persuasion my way. It gets lonely, being surrounded by men that you know you could fall in love with but will never be able to have... so there's no point. It gets frustrating, looking at particular individuals and having to force the sudden, unwanted and completely unwise attraction deep into the darkest parts of the mind, slam the door shut, lock it, and throw away the key. You do it long enough, though, and it becomes a necessary process that, for the most part, desensitizes one to the emotional responses generally associated with such things. The empty feeling created by loneliness never goes away. It just gets easier to ignore and only presents itself on rare occasions. I would never trade who I am. It means too much to me that I am what I am to these young men and to this community. The pros always seem to outweigh the cons in the end.

So much on my mind the past week or so. So many thoughts I am trying to organize. Plans I am trying to make. People I am dying to learn more about. This last weekend has put me in a very reflective sort of mood. I wish I could keep this sort of perspective all the time... one where I feel as though I can see more of the big picture and am willing to examine ALL thoughts, not just the ones that are the most accessible.

Anyway... that's all for now I suppose. Two posts in one day.... I think that's probably more than enough : )

Peace.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And now... a song.

"Anyone Else But You" (Selected Verses) by the Moldy Peaches

You're a part time lover and a full time friend
The monkey on you're back is the latest trend
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

I kiss you on the brain in the shadow of a train
I kiss you all starry eyed, my body's swinging from side to side
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

Here is the church and here is the steeple
We sure are cute for two ugly people
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

The pebbles forgive me, the trees forgive me
So why can't, you forgive me?
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

I will find my nitch in your car
With my mp3 DVD rumple-packed guitar
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

Up up down down left right left right B A start
Just because we use cheats doesn't mean we're not smart
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

You are always trying to keep it real
I'm in love with how you feel
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

+1

For My Boys...

and then there was another
not fully expected but perhaps hoped for and always welcomed

sitting there
looking beautiful
and exuding all of those things that we perceive without fail but can never define
that make you recognizable as who you are

first at the table in that awkward restaurant
crowded by noisy and excited people that would never think to guess
the secret hiding behind those eyes that betray a certain wisdom beyond your years

then in the floor on a drunken friday night
surrounded by friendly and playful people who put you at ease and don't have to guess
because family is family and we know our own

then in my lap the morning after
arm around my neck as you curl close and make me feel both safe and needed
just as i've known my baby brother to do on so many occasions

my ear resting over your heart
the strength of its rhythm assures me that you are alive and well
unlike so many i have known before you
you need no direction for you found yourself long ago

pride and hope and perhaps even faith are momentarily restored
a new perspective gained from an inspirational addition to a life that often feels so lacking

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This is a meager attempt at putting into words what it is that I feel concerning the men in my life, most of which happen to be gay, when they first come into my life. I don't think I'll ever be able to fully express in words the role these individuals have played and continue to play in my life, but I sometimes feel the need to try. While the above refers mostly to a specific person, places, and events, I also feel it can be viewed loosely as a metaphor for the experiences I've had with almost every gay man that has become an important fixture in my life... with the exception of lines 17-19, which are what make this newest individual particularly unique in my mind. I truly admire his strong sense of self. Not that I've ever minded helping and being there for the people in my life... in fact, I'm glad I can serve a purpose. However, it's refreshing to meet a guy who doesn't need to be rescued from himself.

New Blog

Xanga is apparently dead, but I miss putting my thoughts out into a community on a semi-regular basis. I've been reading some blogs recently and I really like the layouts of these sites. I really want to give blogging another shot.

These days, I have a lot on my mind. I'll just have to wait and see what it is that I want to say. Don't have much time to spare at the moment, though.

So, until next time... peace.