I feel trapped by what seems like a ton of obligations, responsibilities, and things that need to be done before I can escape. I've come to the conclusion that a lot of these are imaginary. However, this doesn't make their presence and the effects they're having on my life any less real.
I sit in front of a computer for hours at a time at my job. With nothing else to do and internet access at my fingertips, I look at pictures of Seattle and Washington state and dream of the day when I'll be living there. I think of how nice it will be to live in a city, to be able to walk to the places I need to go, or have access to public transportation when it's needed. To actually have access to cultural events and music and art on a regular basis without having to drive for a minimum of 2 hours...
I think about all of the possibilities that Seattle holds. I could end up furthering my education in the Social Psychology PhD program at the University of Washington (if they'll accept me) or getting a job that will actually allow me to utilize my master's degree that I will have earned here. And even if I can't find a suitable psychology job, there are job openings all over the place in veterinary healthcare, an area with which I am VERY familiar as I worked in a veterinary clinic for many years as a youngster and a teenager.
I think about how incredibly few possibilities Arkansas has to offer me... and I wonder for the millionth time that hour why I am still here.
I look at listings of available houses for rent, checking daily for new additions for reasons I have yet to comprehend seeing as how I am nowhere near ready to start looking for another place to live yet. I still have to worry about paying next month's rent on the Dover house... and the month after that... and the month after that....
I look at the beaches of Washington's Olympic Peninsula and long for the day when I can make a trip on the weekend to walk where the water meets the land and camp on the cliffs where I will be able to fall asleep to the sound of honest to God Pacific Ocean waves. Gulf of Mexico waves are one thing, but in my mind, they lack the power and severe beauty that the Pacific possesses.
I search the most obscure parts of the internet for cheap travel options in the hopes that I might be able to get back up there before next summer. It's so difficult for me to go so long without that feeling I get when I'm in Washington. The feeling that I'm free to be me... free to breathe... free to enjoy my life and finally relax into what it is that I'm supposed to be doing. A feeling of hope that I can't seem to summon while sitting here in Russellville...
Every night, I go to sleep making plans in my head. Plans that I pray will actually come to pass.
I miss Seattle so very much. I think it somehow kept some essential part of my being that I'll never be able to fully reclaim, some part of me that will remain there always, regardless of any future places in which I may find myself.
I wish I had the nerve to just lay it all down here, walk away from this bullshit degree and this bullshit school... pack my things and just get in my car and go. Fuck the money. I could make some when I get there. Fuck the timing. You only live once. I should be using the little time I have to do things that actually MEAN something to me instead of wasting it here, working toward a degree I'm only getting because I've been told master's degree = job security, something else I've been told I'm supposed to care about. I should have applied to the PhD program at the U of W last year, but no... I had to play it safe because that was the responsible thing to do: stay here, get a "well-rounded" experience in the field of psychology so I could better determine where I belong. It hasn't helped at all. If anything, it's only confused me further and made me realize that I'm going to have to make my own niche, regardless of the field of psychology I choose. Even though education has always been terribly important to me and a PhD has always been a goal I've set for myself and something that I truly wish to obtain, the longer I stay here, the more I realize that there are so many other things in life that mean so much more to me... things that I haven't pursued up to this point because education and the responsibilities and obligations associated with it have kept me anchored to one spot.
I'm so tired of it. So incredibly exhausted... but I lack what it takes to be wild and fancy free and let go of all of these cares. No matter how hard I try, I can't seem to be that person.
In a few months, I will be 24 years old... and I will begin my last year of calling Arkansas my home. My last year of trying to find ways to occupy my mind and kill time until I can graduate... again. My last year of trying to figure out ways to get out of here. My last year of counting days and falling asleep to the memories and images of the Northwest that are so frequently my main source of comfort.
My 25th year on this earth will be the beginning of something completely different. Something amazing. Something worthwhile. Something real.
